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Kiwi News
10 October 2013 09:29


I was woken up in the early hours* one morning by the sound of an air raid siren. Slightly alarming - were we under attack? Was a typhoon heading our way? Then I remembered: that's how they summon the fire brigade in this neck of the woods. Reassured, I went back to sleep until a more reasonable hour of the morning.

*maybe not technically the early hours; but certainly earlier than I intended to wake up.


I celebrated an extended birthday - starting at 0001 NZ time and continuing until 2359 UK time. In fact it may have been even longer than those 36 hours. My first "Happy birthday" message came over an hour before that start time, and my last (so far) came 24 hours after the end time. I generally kept to UK time and didn't open any cards or presents until midday (apart from one from CGF).

Mum and I went over to the town where Sis works and met her for lunch. After lunch we all went into a book shop where I chose a present Sis could get me. She then sent me out of the shop while she bought it so "I wouldn't know what it was". She's potty, my sister.

Mum and I went out for a meal in the evening. That was a palaver in itself - well, organising it with Sis was. The original intention was that we would all go out for dinner. I suggested the Thai restaurant in town, but Sis vetoed that idea because last time she went the service was appalling. "OK," I said, "I'm easy - how about the Indian next-door?" She wasn't keen on that either (Yes, I know it was my birthday). So we settled on the pub (well, as close as you get to a pub in NZ - most of them are bars which are not the same thing at all).

Next day Sis phoned to say that they won't come out for a meal after all as "they can't afford it". This is the person who has a huge gas-guzzling car truck; leaves towel rails on 24x7; spends 45 minutes in the shower; and has a hot tub (which I still have no intention of going in). Instead she suggests we all go out Saturday - and that we go out of town to an expensive (£50 per head) restaurant (for which she happens to have a gift voucher)! She's barmy, my sister.

Anyway, Mum and I went for a very nice Thai meal, where service was fine, then up to Siss for birthday cake after. Saturday we are all going out together, but to somewhere cheaper and in-town, so favourite (and only) niece can come too (as she gets up at 0400 to help her bf with the milking).


I'm going to be a great-uncle! Favourite (and only) niece is going to have a sproglet. She brought the scan photos round to show us. Took mum a few minutes for the penny to drop. I realised straight away (being the modern man that I am). Well, people only show bleary, out-of-focus and indistinct photographs when they are a scan. Even when mum realised it was a scan she thought it was the dog! Now you see where Sis gets her pottiness from.


You know how they say that New Zealand is a bit home-made? Headlines in the local rag was "Men's shed opens", which is possibly as exciting as it gets. But yesterday I saw a news stand billboard with the headline "Funeral Directors Forced to Diversify"" which almost makes you want to find out what the story is.


Yesterday's tiki-tour was to a geo-thermal park. Lots of hot springs and different coloured lakes and boiling mud and stuff. I took heaps (as they say in NZ) of photos. So many, in fact, that my camera battery died. I started using mum's camera, but that battery died as well and I had to resort to my mobile phone.

On the way home we stopped to look at some waterfalls and rapids - a river 100m wide and 4m deep is forced through a natural channel only 15m wide and 10m deep. Quite spectacular. "Only the most adventurous [kayakers and canoeists] - or foolhardy - attempt to kayak the Huka Falls".

Then we went to look at a bungee jumping place. You can choose to either bungee jump or ride in a rope swing. Or, of course stay on terra firma - which is probably the best option and that's what we did.


Coffee-shop customs are slightly different in NZ. In the UK you usually either wait at the counter until your drinks and food are ready and then carry them to your table, or choose a table first and give the table number when you order*. In NZ you are given an order number when you order, and take that to your table where the drinks and food are brought to you.

*I've ignored the posh places where your order is taken from your table.

Yesterday we stopped for a drink and the tea was made in a pot with proper leaves. It even came with a strainer. Sometimes these Kiwis are even more British than the British.


I've been to The Shire to look for hobbitses. It was so cool. Lots of hobbit holes - including Bag End - and a drink at the Green Dragon.


And finally, some Favourite And Only Niece quotes. Mainly because Favourite And Only Niece says the best quotes of all my nephews and nieces.

"I don't think Auntie Little Sis did very well in inheriting the intelligence genes.To be honest, I think Uncle Ruby did the best"
"Mum, do you want to hear about your children.s sex lives? No? Well, that's how we feel about hearing about yours"
"Granny you're going to live to be old and senile and you'll be so funny"
"I know I didn't want to come for dinner, but I still would have liked to have been invited so I could say No"
"I hope you haven't got [The Aged and Mrs The Aged] grog [for Christmas]; they already drink too much"

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